Pippin it
by Allergic2All
Summary: Pippin has smoked all of Merrys fine weed. What is he to do? Pip it of course!
1. Pip Daddy Needs a Fixx

Pippin it!  
Chapter 1 – Pip Daddy Needs a Fixx  
  
So Pippin and Merry are sitting about the Shire smoking their pipes. It's a warm summer evening, and the two are discussing important matters like mushrooms and the possibility of more mushrooms. Laughing at his own stupid and irrelevant comment, Pippin draws from his long teak pipe to find that it is smoked out.   
"Why Merry," Pippin says frowning at his empty pipe, "I seem to be out of the Old Toby. Mind if I pinch a bit from you?" Merry simply smiles and his simple friend. "Course Pippin, soon as you replenish what you took from my stash last night!"   
"Your stash?"  
"Don't play dumb with me you fool of a Took!" Merry shouted, knowing full well that Pippin wasn't playing. "You're the only person who knows about my secret stash in under the false lining of the trunk at the end of my bed! Half of it was this morning before second breakfast!"   
"Those were some good pancakes…"   
"Don't change the subject!"  
"Subject?" Pippin tried to look calm.   
"Pippin," Merry looked his friend dead in his overly large pupils, hoping to send him on sort of guilt trip. Pippin was trippin' indeed, but in wasn't resulting in the way Merry had planned.  
"Wish I had some pancakes right now, with cool whip. Where can we get some cool whip? I wonder if Sam-" as this point Merry slapped Pippin.   
"Your vibrant hunger is a sure sign that you have been sniffing in my stash!"  
"Do you like cottage cheese?"  
"Where's my stash?"  
"All right so I smoked it! So what?"  
"So what? I paid 20 gold coins a gram for that Old Toby, and you go and smoke half of it yourself before a second helping of pancakes!"  
"Those were good-"  
"Forget the pancakes!" Pippin looked downcast. The sun had finally set on the Shire, and the two decided to head back home, Merry ranting viciously all the way.   
"20 coins a gram! How's a homeless bum like you supposed to pay me back?"  
"You don't have a job either, how'd you get a hold of it? I thought you always stole your weed from Farmer Maggot? I thought that's why he was always so pissed at you?" Merry leaned in closer to his friend, pushing him off the side of the main road into the dark shadows of overhanging trees.   
"Promise you tell nobody?" In a stupor, Pippin nodded.   
"All right, to pay for that weed I had to, how to say, give a little. You see?"  
"Oh, you were sharing your weed with the Shire? Give a little get a little?" Merry paused. It was bad enough he was trying to explain this sort of thing to Pippin, but Pippin on the weed? This was a challenge to be met.  
"Give a little get a little, that's a way to say it. But see here my dear Took, no transfer of weed took place. Instead, I was giving out a few services for a bit of," Merry rubbed his thumb and index finger together, "money. You see now Pip?" Pippin thought for a moment, scratched it curly brown hair, and replied, "Nope." With a sigh, Merry made a final attempt.  
"Sex for money Pip, sex for money. I made use of my nicely built body, and pocketed a small bit of gold."   
"You whore!"  
"Exactly! And you can do the same, unless you have some other way to get enough money to pay me back?"   
"Sure! I have plenty of sex appeal, eh Merry!" Pippin stood upright, placing his hands on his hips. Merry began to see that maybe this wasn't the best idea. He could just see this smooth operator trying to whore himself about the Shire. Placing his chin on his hand, Merry circled his friend making loud "tsk, tsk, tsk."  
"What's wrong Merry?" Pippin asked hunching his shoulders over in defeat.  
"This'll never do! We'll have to think of something else." The two pulled up a pair of rocks and set the foggy minds to work.   
"What is wrong with me?" Pippin asked.  
"Well, first off it's those clothes. I mean really, a scarf Pippin?"  
"You gave it to me?"  
"YES! But it's the middle of summer! Take that damned thing off!"  
"How is it that you're the master on what it takes to get some?" Pippin crossed his short arms across his chest.  
"Simple, blondes just have all the fun." Merry smiled to his friend, and they both returned to their brainstorming.   
"If we got the recipe to those pancakes," Pippin cautiously began, but was soon quieted by a harsh glare from Merry. After a long period of pondering, Merry broke the silence with a joyful jump to his feet.  
"What if, just follow me here now Pip, what if it wasn't you who was whoring about?"  
"Then I wouldn't get the money."  
"No, you would! If you pimp somebody out!" Pippin, as usual, looked confused.  
"What's that?"  
"You whore someone else out, then split the profits. It'll take longer to collect the dough, but at least we can unleash someone attractive on the Shire!"   
"You're a mean one Merry." The two rose from their seats and traveled back home. The lights of the shops and homes were a glow with life. The hobbits were indeed taking advantage of the warm summers night, sitting out on their lawns, smoking weed and visiting old friends. Tonight was the ideal night for the two trouble makers to cause a commotion.   
"The question is," Pippin said placing an arm around Merry's shoulder, "who will be the lucky contestant for the evening?" Merry scratched his chin. There was a fine selection of Hobbits all about them, but they needed someone who was high in demand, someone who was well known for being attractive and sexy. Merry and Pippin had heard a great deal of gossip from the ladies in the town about their good friend Frodo. Frodo was quite a handsome Hobbit, and was popular with both the ladies and a few gents. As the two thought out the possibility, who should come strolling down the street than Frodo Baggins himself.   
"Evening Merry, evening Pippin." He called out happily to them. Frodo seemed to be in high sprits, partly because h had just stepped out of the local tavern, and partly because he didn't know what his two friend were plotting for him.  
"Evening Frodo," Merry said slyly, "would you like to come on a walk with me and your cousin here?" 


	2. Smak Dat Ho!

Chapter 2 – Smak Dat Ho!  
  
After the obligatory hobbit chit-chat, Frodo was feeling a touched, and thus decided to invite the two tricksters over for a bite at Bag End. Pippin was delighted at the prospect, and briskly led the way, much to the regret of the woozy Frodo who could barely walk even with Merry supporting him.  
"Why are you two so eager to get back to Bag End? You know you're ALWAYS invited over for a meal if you like."  
"We've got a big surprise for you, Frodo! Tonight, Merry and I…" Pippin's speech was broken by Merry's closed fist making contact with his hobbithood.  
"Shut up you stupid git, do you wanna give away the plan before we even get started?" rasped Merry.  
"Oh Pippin! Are you alright? Are you feeling okay? I'm not feeling too hot myself. Well…" Frodo was interrupted by the dry heaves of Pippin, who was gasping and writhing on the dirt. "Have you had a bit too much to drink? I drank quite a bit myself. Is it hot out here or is it just me? Oops! There goes my shirt." The two friends watched bug-eyed as their host began to strip right there on the deserted, dusty trail.  
Pippin, suddenly sobered, whispered, "Wow Mer, this is going to be easier than I thought!" Merry merely smiled and nodded agreement. Frodo was down to his knickers at this point, and finally realizing that he was being watched, stopped.  
"Oh My! Drunk old Frodo's made a fool of himself again! In front of his cousin, no less!"  
"Mr. Frodo, you've seen us in worse shape! There's no shame in having a bit of fun." Merry winked at Pippin. For the 12th time that night, Pippin grinned like the vacant fool he was.  
"Perhaps you're right. Remember Bilbo's party? I bet your pants were never the same! Maybe some food will sober us up. Eh Pip?" Peregrin nodded roughly, a toothy grin spreading from ear to ear.  
Upon arrival at Bag End, the unlocked green door was stampeded in by Pippin, who made a mad dash for the pantry. Moments later he was followed by Frodo, who was using poor Merry as a crutch.  
"Well, Pippin seems to be making good use of your pantry, why don't I help you into bed?"  
"Oh, what would I do without such good friends as you?" Merry smiled inwardly to himself. Poor fellow didn't have a clue as to what he and the Took were planning for the evening.   
Frodo laughed in a drunken haze as Merry dropped him on his rather large bed. Too large for one Hobbit to have for himself.  
"That was fun, eh Merry? Come, let's do it again!" Frodo lunged from the bed, attempting to grab Merry around the neck, but fell short and hit the floor.   
"Be careful there Frodo!" Merry lifted his friend up from the ground and placed his safely back on the bed. Looking around, Merry began to see the real problem. It wasn't to find a way to put the horribly drunken Frodo in the mood, but how to get their client into it. Frodo, though know for being attractive, wasn't exactly going to be wining any hearts reeking of whisky, and most likely later on, reeking of vomit. Something had to be done. Frodo just grinned a unknowing grin and Merry, and Merry was beginning to wish that people would just stop smiling altogether.  
"Dear Frodo, you can't expect to sleep in those clothes! Tell me, where do you keep your sleepwear?" It took Frodo a minute to process that Meridoc had said to him.  
"There, in the bottom drawer of my dresser." Merry eyed the drawer and began to wonder what interesting things he'd find. Sadly, none of his expectations were fulfilled. Most of Frodo's clothes were spotted with holes and were unclean in appearance, and there was no hidden secret stash of porn. Looks like Frodo would have to spend the evening naked.   
"You're looking awfully flushed there Frodo, are you still hot?"   
" I'm hot in more ways than one!" This was getting easier and easier by the minute.  
"Then how about you sleep naked? Much cooler that way."   
"Oh really?" Frodo questioned, pulling down his pants.  
"Indeed, Pip and I have spent a number of warm nights in nothing but our birthday suits."  
"You and Pippin sleep naked?" Merry nodded. "Together?"  
"No. Now, take your pants off." Frodo's pants somehow got tangled around his large bare feet, so it was up to Merry to get them the rest of the way off.   
"Merry, you're such a sly one! You and Pippin must have a raunchy good time on those hot summer nights!"   
"Shut up and get naked."  
"My Merry, you seem so fascinated with me being all bare. Are you planning something special?"  
"Oh I am, something very special." Frodo laughed a horribly drunk and strangely seductive laugh. Merry instructed that Frodo should remain in the bed till he and Pippin returned.  
"And then I get my surprise?"  
"Oh yes, you'll get your surprise, a grand surprise." Merry slowly back out of the room. 


	3. Sup-G

Chapter 3-Sup G!   
  
"Damn, no cool whip?" Pippin shouted in fury, his mouth stuffed full of random food items. "How am I supposed to eat without cool whip? It's the staple of the healthy hobbits diet."  
"If by healthy you mean grossly obese and reeking of ham! Now come on Pip, we've got to think!"  
"Again?" Pippin tore into a leg of lamb.   
"It's hard work, but in the end it will pay off!" Merry's eyes widened in the prospect of a fresh new delivery of pipe weed.   
"So, what's the next step in this little operation?" Pippin asked.  
"Now we need a customer. Someone who'd be interested in emptying out his pockets for a fun night with good ol' Frodo in there," Merry pointed to the closed bedroom door.  
"But who? Who would be interested in sex?" Merry rolled his eyes at his dim witted friend.   
"Lots of people, especially with Frodo. You hear how people talk about him? How everyone always wants to be around him."  
"Especially that Gandaf!*" The room fell silent as Merry pondered what Pippin had just blurted out.  
"Gandaf…" he scratched his head. Oh course, the old wizard! If anyone was more obvious in his love for Frodo than Gandaf, Merry hadn't seen them. It was perfect. "Gandaf will work. Good thinking Pippin, for once in your life, good thinking."   
"But where are we going to find him? He could be anywhere?"   
"He's at the tavern Pip."  
"How do you know?"  
"Because, anyone who is anyone is at the tavern!"  
"We aren't….."  
"Shut up!"  
  
  
The two hobbits hurried down the dirt road towards the place where that had met Frodo earlier that evening. The tavern was loud with drunks, singing and yelling madly at one another. It really wasn't the sort of place the two wanted to be, but they had no choice. Their plan was all ready in motion, and Merry and Pip were in a desperate need for a smoke.  
"Hmmmmmm," Pippin murmured to himself, "that Old Toby was quite nice!" Merry slapped him. He did deserve it.   
"We can worry about the weed later, right now we need to find Gandaf and make our proposition!"  
"Let me do it Mer! I won't mess up!" Merry shook his head.  
"Even if you didn't screw it up horribly somehow, Gandaf doesn't like you and I don't want that to get in the way of us making a sale. I'll do the talking!" The two searched the tavern until they reached the very back, which was reserved for tall booths for the taller guest that passed through the Shire. There, they found Gandaf, sitting and chatting with Bilbo, who was propped up on a stack of old books.   
"Oi, Mer!" Pippin grabbed Merry by the sleeve, "we can't do this with Bilbo there. Frodo is his nephew, and practically his son!" Pippin did have a point. Merry wasn't to sure as to how the old man would take the news that he and the Took were whoring about his drunken nephew.   
"Let's find a way to distract him, right?"   
"How? He's too smart for us! Plus, if he doesn't see through whatever we pull Gandaf sure will."  
"Don't worry, I have an idea."  
"You know Mer, you're ideas aren't exactly the best, it's you're fault we're in this!" Merry grabbed Pippin by the collar of his shirt.  
"No, it's your fault we're in this mess. You smoked my weed! And besides, at least I have ideas, at least my mind isn't a perpetual wasteland!"  
"What does perpetual mean?"  
  
Bilbo and Gandalf were chatting away. Their topics ranged from what they had for breakfast and what they wished they had in life. Both were smoking away at their long pipes, not noticing the Took approaching the table.   
"Oh, hello Bilbo, Gandaf. How you all doing tonight?" Bilbo smiled at the youth.   
"Evening Pip! I'm doing quite nicely thank you. Say, have you seen Frodo? He said he was going to meet us here tonight." Pippin looked around nervously, grinning.  
"'Fraid not. How are you tonight Gandaf?" The old wizard's eyes focused on poor Pippin.  
"What could you possibly want you worthless little bit?" Pippin swallowed hard as the old man's face came in closer to his.   
"I-I wanted to talk with Bilbo"  
"About?" Gandalf narrowed his eyes.   
"Uh, his pipe." Biblo took his pipe from his mouth and looked it over, then looked back at Pip.  
"Is something wrong with it?"  
"Let me see?" Bilbo handed his pipe down to the boy and watched as he turned it over in his hands.   
"Well?"  
"You see, the thing is……" Pippin didn't even finish. Instead he ran as fast as he could out the door.   
"Get back here you fool of a Took!" Gandalf stood up from his seat in a rage.  
"Sit down old friend, I have plenty more at home."  
"I'm not letting that damned moron run off with your pipe!" The old wizard lifted himself from the booth and followed the hobbit.  
  
"Is he following?" Merry asked as Pippin came out the tavern door huffing and puffing.   
"Yeah, he's right behind me. Merry, he's gonna turn me into a frog or something!"  
"Don't worry, I'll take care of everything. Something tells me Gandaf is a sure thing." Merry winked to the exhausted hobbit.   
"I hope you're right, he seemed pretty pissed!" 


	4. Playa hatas STEP to fro'!

Playa hatas STEP to fro'!  
  
And indeed, Gandalf was pissed.   
"You damned Took, get back here so I can turn you into a frog!"  
"Waaaaah! Merry, he's gonna turn me into a frog!" Merry just patted his friend on his curly brown head.   
"I told you, I'll take care of everything Pip. And if he does turn you into a frog, would your life really be all that bad?" Pippins blue eyes suddenly became big and watery.  
"There you are!" Gandalf shouted triumphantly, raising his staff above his head preparing to cast a spell. Pippin just cowered on the ground, still clinging to the pipe.   
"Gandaf! Good to see you!" Merry took a step forward. Gandalf turned to face the blond, but his staff still remained in an upright position.   
"What do you want Brandybuck? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? Go on, scamper off now!"   
"Scamper?"  
"You heard me!"   
"But dearest Gandaf, Pip and I here would like to have a little chat with you." Pippin nodded from his fetal position on the ground.   
"About?" his staff still not moving. Merry moved in closer and motioned for the tall man to lower his head.   
"Well, what is this all about?"   
"Well, Pippin and I are looking to make a few extra coins you see, and to do so we've decided to pimp out our young friend Frodo." Merry was very straightforward when it came to these sorts of things.   
"And you need my help in this?"  
"No, we've got Frodo drunk in his bed back in Bag End, we just need some customers now.   
Interested for a romp in the garden of drunken delights?" Gandalf scratched his chin and thought about the offer set before him.   
"How much?"  
"Say, let me see? How much do you think Pippin?" Pippin was still curled up on the ground unresponsive.  
"How about ten gold coins an hour?"  
"Bit high there Brandybuck."  
"It's Frodo, drunk no less. This is a good offer, longshanks." Another moment of pondering for the wizard. The hobbits did have a good deal, why not?  
"All right, ten gold coins. But what about Bilbo? He'll wonder where I'm at." Merry squatted on the ground beside his friend and tapped him lightly on the shoulder."  
"Come on now Pip, go back in the tavern and keep old Bilbo happy. Maybe return his pipe?"   
"He won't turn me into a frog?" Pippin asked quietly.   
"No," Merry reassured.  
"Hows about turning Merry into a pancake with cool whip?"  
"No you worthless half-ling I won't, just get back in there and keep Bilbo distracted!" Pippin leapt up from the ground as fast as he could and darted into the tavern.  
"Shall we go then?" Merry asked with a wicked smile.  
  
All the way back to Bag End, Merry tried to hold a descent conversation with the old wizard, but Gandalf simply wouldn't hear it.  
"Shut up Brandybuck and pick up your feet! Those shortened stubs couldn't move you further than 2 feet a minute, even if you were being chased by that old farmer!"  
"Farmer Maggot? I hate to argue my customer, but Farmer Maggot is no match for me!"  
"Didn't I tell you to shut up!" The rest of the trip was silent. The two arrived at Bag End ten minutes after they left the tavern, Merry struggled the whole time to keep up with Gandalf.  
"So, here we are," he huffed pushing open the door, "I assume you know where the bedroom lies?"   
"Indeed I do half-ling," the old man trailed off, hunched over into the back of the burrow.  
"Aren't we forgetting something?" Merry asked holding out his hand.  
"I'll pay you after, when we tally up the hors, right?" Merry nodded and Gandalf set off. Merry entered the den and rested his hairy feet on a rest by the fireplace. The spot was even more relaxing when Merry started a toasty fire. Sure, it was the middle of summer, but nothing felt more right at the moment to the little hobbit than kicking back and wanting for his coins in front of a nice warm…  
"BRANDYBUCK!" A nice warm Brandybuck? "Get in here you colossal fool!" Merry leapt up from his seat by the fire and ran as fast as he could to the bedroom. What he saw made his jaw drop and his knees weaken.  
"You fat bastard of a gardener! What is your wide load doing in here, with Frodo no less?" YES! The gardener Sam was lying naked beside the intoxicated Frodo, who had his arms around Sam and was trying to kiss his lover on the cheek.  
"Ignore them Samwise, I love you, you fabulous bitch!" Frodo was climbing all over the poor stunned garden, who was stuttering a desperate effort to explain himself.   
"M-M-Mr. Merry Mr. Gandaf, w-what are you doing here?" and in a whisper, "Frodo, Mr. Frodo please get off!"  
"I don't think so you pretty little pretty you!" Frodo's sweet drunk talk was turning the little gardener on right in front of the dumbfounded gentlemen.   
"So, Brandybuck, trying to save sometime eh? Maybe, a two for one deal?"  
"No, it was nothing on the sort!" Merry stormed over to the bed. "What are you doing here ham breath, isn't there some flowers that need tending to?"  
"Yeah, and they're right here….IN MY PANTS!" In a gleeful fit, Frodo began to leap all over Sam, who was trying so much to push him off and not look horribly horny.   
"Frodo, you're not wearing any pants!"  
"So, I'm not wearing any pants, makes your job easier don't it!" The frantic attack ensued.   
"That's it!" Gandalf threw his hands up in the air and made his exit.   
"NO! Gandalf!" Merry tried to get the wiazrd to come back, but it was too late. Gandalf was already out ther door, muttering obscenities to himself like a strange spell.   
"Bucket O Lard!" Merry screamed from the doorway. In an instant, Sam was standing in front of him with nothing but a sheet, and Frodo wrapped around him. "Okay Tubby, start talking!"  
"Why should I be talking, what was you and Gandaf doing here?"  
"I was trying to pimp out the piece of meat hanging on your shoulders!"  
"Sammy Hammy, let's go back to the beeeeeeeeeeeeed." Frodo was leaving sloppy kisses all over Sam's neck and hair.   
"Pimp him out? Like for money?"  
"Yes! Is your mind so full of greasy fat you cannot think properly?"   
"I can't believe you Meridoc! Never would I thought you'd stoop so low as to, Frodo will you please stop!" Frodo was now down on his knees tugging at the thin sheet covering his partner.  
"Forget this! Hope you two have ton's o fun! Get it! Tons, cause you're fat!"   
"Least I'm not a lowly pimp selling out his poor drunk friend to make a quick shilling!"  
"I needs the weed!"   
  
"Bilbo? Hey, Bilbo?" Pippin tapped the old man on the head. Bilbo snored loudly, then fell back into a deep slumber.   
"Maybe I ought to go?" Pippin whispered to himself. Bilbo seemed to nod in his sleep, and Pip took it as a sign.   
Outside the tavern, Pip stretched his arms above his head, then made a move for his pipe forgetting he was out of weed. He soon remembered as he lit a match.   
"I hope Merry collects a lot of money. I really need a smoke." About fifteen minutes late, Pippin was met by a very upset blonde. It was Merry.  
"It's over! We lost Frodo!"  
"You mean he ran of into the woods naked and reeking of alcohol?"  
"Worse, I caught butterball in there trying to screw him silly."  
"Sam?"  
"Know any other butterballs?" Pippin hung his head. He felt awful, this whole thing had been hid fault.   
"Sorry I couldn't be a better pip Mer. I tried." Merry patted his friend on the shoulder.  
"Indeed you did try Pippin, but it was all in vain. We lost our fine young prize to a lumpy sack of potatoes."  
"Mmmmmmmmmm, potatoes and butter!" Pippin licked his lips.  
"I swear, is all you can think about food? If only we could bank off your monstrous appetite!" Merry shook his head and laughed. But it really wasn't a bad idea. Inside Pippin's tiny hobbit mind, a plan began to brew. It was a simple plan, for he indeed was a simple hobbit, but the plan had potential.   
"Hey Mer, hungry for some pancakes?" 


	5. Da Pips Make Mad Chedda'!

Da Pips Make Mad Chedda'!  
  
The early morning sun had begun to rise just as Merry and Pippin were finishing off the final touches. They had worked all night preparing for their early morning surprise, and soon, all the Shire would see what the two had in store for them. Before long, the first few hobbits were making their way into town, curious of the smell of pancakes in the air.   
"PANCAKES!" Pippin screamed, "Fresh pancakes! Come and get 'em!" Two has spent the whole night baking and cooking to set up their very own pancake breakfast to raise money for their "cause." Needless to say, the breakfast was a success, because as we all know, hobbits love pancakes. And so did Pippin.  
"Pippin, stop eating those cakes," Merry hit him on the head, "those are for making money!"  
"But Mer, I can't help myself, they smell so good."   
"Good morning Pippin, morning Merry," it was Sam, making his way over to the breakfast toting along side him the poor, hung-over Frodo.   
"Hey fat baby, how's your little lover there?" Merry turned his eyes to Frodo.  
"Shut your filthy, lying mouth Brandybuck!" Frodo was not a happy hung-over hobbit.   
"Cousin," Pippin tried, "why don't you sit down and we bring you some pancakes?"  
"These had better be the best pancakes or I swear I'm going to…" Frodo raised a hand to his head.  
"Going to what cousin?"  
"I'll think of something in a moment, get me some damn pancakes you ridiculous fool."   
"Here," Sam started in, placing his hand around Frodo's waist, "let me help you."  
"Get your fat, greasy hands off of me your dirty gardener!" Frodo pushed himself away but fell to the ground. "OW! My head."   
  
"Well Pip," Merry said, counting out their money, "looks like everything turned out all right. Thanks to you and your insane, uncontrollable hunger we were able to raise enough money to buy a new stash of the Old Toby!"   
"Huzzah!" Pippin jumped for joy, then he did a little jig, and then took a nap. All in the space of two minutes.  
"You deserved it my friend," Merry returned to counting the money, thoughts of all the weed they would smoke dancing about in his head. He couldn't help but to imagine he and Pip, sitting on a mushroom together, smoking and joking a way while they aimed bows armed with flaming arrows at Sam's little fat body, running down the road yelling, "Master Frodo, Master Frodo!" And naturally, Frodo was naked and drunk, and staggering all over the place. Merry laughed to himself. Oh My! What a day it had been indeed!   
  
"Sammy Hammy! Come back to beeeeeeeeeeeed!" 


End file.
